Funny Success Quotes

If at first you don’t succeed… skydiving is not for you

If at first you don’t succeed … Lower your standards

If at first you don’t succeed… your not Chuck Norris.

If at first you don’t succeed.. destroy all the evidence that shows you tried

Success.. trying is the first step toward failure

If at first you don’t succeed… order pizza

Success is like pregnancy.. everybody congratulates you but no one knows how many times you were screwed. 

If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your wife told you to.

Funny Comedian Quotes

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately” – George Carlin

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”- Lily Tomlin

“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.” - Johnny Carson

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” - Ellen DeGeneres

“With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck did you get that banana?’ -Mitch Hedberg

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” -Steven Wright