Funny Comedian Quotes

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately” – George Carlin

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”- Lily Tomlin

“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.” - Johnny Carson

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” - Ellen DeGeneres

“With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck did you get that banana?’ -Mitch Hedberg

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” -Steven Wright