Were People so Angry over Mondays Presidential Debates They Called 911?

Possibly! Based on a tweet put out by the Lawrence Police Department in Kansas.. it looks like a few people may have been so angry over Clinton and Trump’s tactic, they felt it necessary to put out this announcement reminding them NOT to call 911. In addition they also discouraged debate drinking games.

Washington Post’s Mensa invitational Wordplay winners

http://www.washingtonpostsmensainvitational.com/

For years an email has been circulating about the “Washington Post’s Mensa invitational” which includes a very clever list of words made by changing common words.

The most recent email circulation listed the “2009 winners”.   Those of you who have received this email probably noticed it was very similar to the “2008 winners”.  In fact, they’re also very similar to many of the 1998 winners!  (UPDATE: The very same “2014″ list is now in circulation – check Google!)

1.  Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.  Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.  Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.  Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7.  Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11.  Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Detailed, v. The act of removing a dog or cat’s tail.
18. Castigate, v. To throw a wire fence into the ocean in hopes of catching fish.
19. Express, v. A former member of the press.
20. Materialize, n. Eye-glasses manufactured from cotton, wool or rayon.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
  3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  10. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
  13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  16. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
  6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

TOP 10 Dirty Rated R street signs

Driving around the world we are shocked every day by signs. We risk whip lash with multiple takes to make sure we read correctly. Most of the photos are not taken by me but I have seen most of these, if not worse, in my travels doing comedy and theater the past 20 years…

1. Badcock Furniture

badcock furniture and more LOGO

Always my favorite driving through Florida… Seriously, driving down south you get a lot of signs that make you wonder, “Where are the bible freaks on this one?”

2. Mega Flicks

megaflicks

Perhaps this store should have picked a different font?

3. Fuk Mi Sushi

fucksushi

I often wonder if certain business titles of foreign language decent mess with us on purpose. I see Asian restaurants all the time that make me do a hard double take. Or is this one of those Sushi stripper buffets?

4. Big Dick’s Halfway Inn

d_bigdicks

You know Richard was mighty proud of himself after posting this for all to see. Although if all he has are minnows, I would not brag.

5. Big Dick’s Dry Rub

bigdicks

Not to be out done… I prefer a little sauce however! At least toss a salad first.

6. Hooker’s Funeral Home

fun-7

Hey, we all have to go sometime, but what city has enough dead hookers to support a full time business. Perhaps this niche is too limiting. Or perhaps they take strippers and pimps too.

7. Ass Hair Salon

dirty-business-ass-hair

Would not want the job of the guy that sweeps up the hair. And if anyone asks for a perm, I’m out!!!

8. Dyke’s Lumber

dykes

Got Wood? This cracks me up every time I pass it on Route 17 in New Jersey. Can we get a Dykes open up next to a Dick’s Sporting goods and a BJs club. Boy how they would fight all the time.

9. Chewy Balls

chewyballs

So if I am correct, this is a Chelsea Handler Lately side kick thinking, “Alec Baldwin was on to something!” Hope they are not meatballs. Chewy would not be my preferred texture. For the record, FAO Shwartz candy store – in the basement at 59th and 5th under the big piano – sells Pete’s Famous Schweddy Balls. I would have purchased but on a diet.

10. Cocks Summer Camp

cocks

Hey kids, where do you want to go this year? Camp features wonderful activities like Ring Toss, Swinging across the river and Human Centipede.

Funny Valentines Day QuotesII

Valentines Day! It’s that time of year again. Yep.. This time of year that means if you haven’t taken down your Christmas decorations, they will probably be up for Easter.

Here are some funny Valentines Day/Love Quotes to make your day better.. or worse. PLEASE NOTE:  SOME OF THESE ARE NSFW! 

“Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Vodka cost less
Than dinner for two”

“Roses are red
Violets are VIOLET..DUH”

“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Too many Sweettarts
Make me poo”

NO woman will be happy on Valentines Day unless she finds a man with a chocolate penis that ejaculates money

Love is like a backache – it doesn’t show up on xrays but you know its there
- George Burns

Your Valentines gift to me was SO GOOD that I’m now suspicious that you’ve been cheating

I love you will all of my butt.. I would say heart but my butts bigger

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

“To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.”

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.– Tim Allen

I hope my casual jokes about my cat being my valentine, make is seem less sad that my cat actually is my valentine

Screw Valentines day.. I’m just waiting for the 75% off chocolates on Feb 15th

Roses are expensive
Violets are dumb
Chocolates are Fattening
Just give me Rum!

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentines Day just remember nobody loves you on any other day of the year either

Your street won’t be the only thing getting plowed this Valentines day.. BOOM!

I’d love you, even if you were so ugly that everyone died

You’re my favorite thing to do on Valentines day

This Valentines Day I want to take control of your body as much as the Republican party does. 

Rest assured, no matter how crappy your Valentines Day is, Instagram can make it look good

Take comfort know that your valentines day as a single person will still be more interesting than the Valentines Day of a married person.

Free Summer Meme

Tired of the snow? Free Summer! It’s time to let the sunshine out of jail. This winter has been enough for everyone. Go away snow. We want sunshine. We want warm weather…Ok maybe just MILD weather.. OK maybe just a week WITHOUT SNOW!